he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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