Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
