Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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