and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
