Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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