I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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