dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
