There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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