Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
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all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
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Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.