I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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