she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
