Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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