Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
