I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
