Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
