i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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