i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
