I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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