Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
