he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
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she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
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It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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