yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
