Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
