Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
