Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
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His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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