Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
