I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
