You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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