So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
