Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
