6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
