dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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