Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
