No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
