last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
