smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Randomize
