It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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