I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
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while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
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apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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