Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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