I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
