She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
