kristin has been a bad kristin
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
