I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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