...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
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She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
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My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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