boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
