I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
