My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
