Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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