New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
