I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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