Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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