I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
