Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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