lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
