Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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