Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
