i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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