My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
