3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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