I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
