Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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