but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
