Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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