Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Randomize
