Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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